


In a Bind

by irlsimon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 20:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6673672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlsimon/pseuds/irlsimon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You didn't know you loved him until it was too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jason Statham Really is a Beast in Crank

**Author's Note:**

> trans!Dave story  
> sorry not sorry  
> but i really just love ftm Dave Strider okay just let me ship in peace *gross sobbing*  
> three part oneshot

Dave turned to the side, looking over his shoulder at the mirror, glaring at his reflection. He'd come to terms with his own appearance over the years, knowing that it would be difficult to change. It was actually pretty impossible. He didn't really even have the slightest clue about the whole process he needed to take. It was all still so new to him, even though the discomfort and anxiety had felt like a lifetime thing. Though he had become a professional at covering up said discomfort and anxiety. Dave turned to his other side and placed his hands on his hips, poking out his chest. With an irritated grunt he reached up to adjust his binder and glared at his reflection again. It was the only one who knew his secret.

Dave sighed and let his hands fall to his sides as he turned to search for the shirt he'd thrown off upon entering his room. His brother would be home any minute now if he wasn't already, and Dirk had a bad habit of barging in—completely unwanted, by the way—at really horrible times. He'd almost caught Dave changing out of his binder. That had been terrifying. Dave had shrieked at Dirk for over a half hour about knocking and respecting a locked door. The lecture had been decidedly ineffective. Dave smoothed his shirt down over his chest, glanced in his mirror one last time, and then walked out of his room towards the kitchen.

"Hey, Danielle."

Dave mentally cringed at the sound of his name. "'Sup, bro?"

"When's your friend coming over today? I have a couple errands I still gotta do, and I promised Jake I'd go out for a few drinks with him."

"Oh shit, I completely forgot I invited John over!" Dave smacked his forehead. "Damn, I don't even remember." He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, trying to remember. "I think we agreed around three. It shouldn't be much longer. Egderp is annoyingly punctual. It's so uncool."

Dirk snorted. "Well I'll stay long enough to meet him. I'm not just leaving my little sister alone with just anyone." He stood up from his sprawling position on the sofa and moved towards the kitchen. He stepped around his little brother and grabbed the milk carton from the fridge. "How was school?"

"The usual." Dave shrugged, jumping up onto the counter. "Skipped a few classes, vandalized the bathroom stalls. Beat up a few Freshmen. Nothing new."

"Danielle."

"Alright, I did none of that." Dave rolled his eyes. "But hey, I kind of got something serious to ask you. Can you... not call me Danielle while John is here? Or refer to me as your sister?"

"Yeah, I guess. But why—"

Dirk was interrupted by three quiet knocks. Dave leaped off the counter and ran in the direction of the front door. He undid all of the locks and swung it open, schooling his grin into a smirk as he looked up at John. "What's up, Egderp?"

John grinned. "Sorry I'm late. There were a ton of people on the elevator, and none of them were going to your floor. I was the last one off."

Dave snorted, waving his hand for John to come inside, closing the door behind him. "Dude, you're totally early. There's still fifteen minutes before you're technically supposed to be here. You're punctuality is entirely unironic."

"I don't think that's a word."

"Oh, it is. Look it up. It's in Strider's Dictionary of Cool and Ironic Things to Say. It's basically a how-to guide for derps like you."

John rolled his eyes, following behind his friend into the kitchen. An older, taller version of Dave was leaning against the counter, scrolling through his phone in one hand, holding a carton of milk in the other. At the sound of voices, he looked up at the two teenagers standing in front of him.

"Dirk, this is my friend, John. John, this is my older brother, Dirk."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you. Dave talks about you a lot in school. You're totally not what I expected."

Dirk pocketed his phone and shook John's outstretched hand once before leaning back against the counter. Despite the shades, Dave knew that his brother was giving him the look. He knew he would have so much explaining to do later, but for now he was going to milk this forced silence for as much as it was worth.

"Can I trust the two of you alone for a few hours?" Dirk asked as he put away the milk.

Dave glared at his brother. "Of course. We're not gonna do anything."

"No, I know. But a big brother can't help but worry. It's not like I can always know what's going on."

John glanced between Dave and his brother nervously. "Am I missing something?"

"No. It's cool." Dirk nodded in John's direction. "I'll see you guys around dinner time. Pizza sound good?"

"Bring home apple juice." Dave called over his shoulder as he opened the fridge. "We're out."

"Got it. It was nice meeting you, John. I'll see you two later." He shot Dave a pointed look before disappearing out the front door. John visibly relaxed, leaning against the counter for support.

"He's terrifying."

"You get used to it." Dave shrugged, closing the fridge. There wasn't actually anything he wanted. He'd only been using it as an excuse to avoid looking at his older brother. John didn't know anything. In fact, no one at school did. Ever since moving from Texas to NYC, Dave had made sure to tell all of his teachers to refer to him as Dave. All of them had accepted it without question. In Texas, not so much. It had been a nightmare in that state.

But Dirk had no idea what was going on. Dave made sure to keep a low profile here so no one would question him. He'd made a few friends, but they were all outcasts like him. John was one of them, but he was pretty dense. Dave was sure John had no idea. Jade wasn't nearly as blind as John could be, but if she knew, she seemed content with ignoring it. Rose though... lately he'd noticed her giving him odd looks. It made him uncomfortable, like she could see straight under his clothes, but he did his best to ignore it. But either way, at school he was Dave. At home, he was Danielle, and not by choice. He knew his brother would probably accept him, but there was that lingering fear that maybe he wouldn't. And the uncertainty kept his mouth shut.

"Dave?"

"Huh?" Dave blinked and looked at John, who looked concerned. "What?"

"I've been trying to get your attention for like ten seconds. Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine." Dave waved away his concern. "We can chill in my room. It's totally sick. I got these new turntables for my birthday last year. I'll let you try 'em out if you promise not to be a dweeb and break them."

"Sweet! No, totally, I'll be careful!"

"Good. Otherwise, it's coming out of your next paycheck."

John rolled his eyes and charged into Dave's room, completely himself now that Dave's terrifying older brother was gone, and would be for the next couple of hours. Dave wandered over to his bed and sat down, pushing himself back and crossing his legs. He took off his shades and set them on his bedside table, watching John freak out over his turntables with a small smile on his face. He liked how immature John could be. He always got so excited over little things, and always went out of his way to make a fool of himself if he noticed Dave was in a bad mood. He honestly loved the idiot.

Wait.

"Dave, this is so cool." John gushed, tentatively playing with all the knobs and buttons. "I'm gonna stop messing with it though, because I seriously can't afford to fix what I break."

John looked over at Dave, losing his smile when he saw his friend's expression. Dave was staring at him, though it didn't seem like he was actually looking at him—it was like he was staring past him at something John couldn't see. His eyes were wide and his posture was stiff. John walked over to Dave and lightly pushed on his shoulder.

"Seriously, are you okay? You keep doing that weird staring thing and it's freaking me out. Dave?"

"Y-yeah... I—" Dave blinked, shaking his head slowly. "Sorry. I was just thinking about something. It caught me off guard. This is really uncool." Dave cleared his throat uncomfortably. "How about we watch a movie? I've got a ton of actually good movies over there under my TV. Feel free to pick any of them. None of them are lame."

John snorted, easily derailed. "I doubt it. My movies are the best."

"Only in your dreams, Egderp." Dave stretched out across his bed, quickly readjusting his binder while John had his back turned. He'd been wearing it for too long. He would have to take it off eventually. Hopefully he wouldn't have to take it off until John had already left for the night.

"How about this one?" John held up a movie.

"Crank? Hell yeah. Jason Statham is a beast in those movies."

John put in the movie and then sat down on Dave's bed, sitting at an awkward position so he wouldn't be all up in Dave's space or blocking his view of the TV. Dave sighed loudly and grabbed John's collar, yanking him down.

"Get comfortable, Egderp. It's a long movie."

"O-okay." John stuttered, his cheeks flaming. He shifted around for a few minutes, trying to find a comfortable position. Dave twisted and angled himself to the side so John could rest his head on his stomach. He stopped moving for a few minutes, but then he started fidgeting again.

"The fuck. Are you gonna move around for the whole movie?"

"I'm sorry!" John apologized quickly. "I just... I don't want to like, get all up in your personal space or whatever. You get kind of scary when people get too close to you."

Dave's irritation instantly deflated. "Oh. Really?"

"Uh, yeah. A few months ago you actually made Jade cry. She waited until you were gone, but as soon as you left for class she just sort of burst into tears. She was saying something about how she just really wanted to hug you because she noticed you were having a bad day, and you sort of bit her head off for it."

"Oh." Another lame response. Way to go, Strider. "Jeez... I—I didn't realize I was such a dick about it."

"It's okay." John hesitated. "I mean I guess. It's probably not, but that's just how you are. We try not to get in your personal space. Jade doesn't hate you for it. She was just really sorry."

"I guess I need to apologize for that."

"No you don't." John rolled over, crossing his arms over Dave's stomach. "Like I said, it's just you. We should respect that a little better."

Dave sighed. "It's not..." He grimaced. "I don't know. I feel bad now."

John sat up, crossing his legs. "Really, Dave. Don't worry about it too much. We're your friends. If we can't get over something as stupid as this, then I don't really think we should be friends." He grimaced. "Okay, no, I think that sounded bad. What I'm trying to say is—"

"Shut up, Egderp." Dave sat up, looking down at his hands. "I get what you're trying to say. But no matter how much you guys might accept, I still want to apologize. I'm not allowed to be a dick because I can't—" he cut himself off, closing his eyes for a brief second "—you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around me how about that?"

John frowned. "Dave."

"What?"

"Dave."

"What!"

John laughed. "We don't walk on eggshells."

"You don't understand."

"Then make me understand." John said quietly, scooting closer. He reached forward and grabbed Dave's hand, still smiling. "However you need to say it. I want to understand."

Dave stared down at their hands in shock. The way his heart reacted, hammering painfully against his chest, only reminded him more about the discomfort he was currently feeling. He blinked and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but it didn't really work. It felt like it was suddenly a million degrees in his room. Was this what a panic attack felt like?

"Can you open that window and turn my fan on?" Dave asked quietly, releasing John's hand. He massaged his fingers, surprised by how stiff they felt. He hadn't realized he'd been gripping John's hand so tightly. He watched John throw open his window and adjust his fan, wishing he could change out of this damned binder. But he knew the difference would be obvious, even to an idiot like John.

"Thanks." Dave muttered when John returned to his seat.

"No problem."

Dave sighed. "I don't how to make you understand, John. I—this is totally out of your depth. Sometimes I don't even understand it completely." He grimaced, rubbing his face. "Holy shit."

John scooted closer until their knees were touching. "Could I... I mean—would you let me try to make you understand something?"

"What?" Dave frowned. "Uh, sure, I guess. Go ahead."

"Close your eyes."

"No way. That's a deal breaker."

"Come on, just trust me."

Dave grimaced, staring at John for what seemed like forever. "Fine."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to force himself to relax. After a few seconds of silence, Dave felt the bed shift under John's weight. It didn't really click with him what John was doing until he felt his hands on his neck. But before he could react, John had already closed the distance between them and pressed their lips together. Dave made a completely unattractive noise in the back of his throat with the initial shock of being kissed. Now he was frozen, unsure of whether or not he should respond or push John away as politely as possible. But before he could make a decision, John leaned back, smiling a little.

"What'd you learn?"

"That you're a shit kisser."

John shook his head. "I'm being serious."

"I... don't know."

"Can I do it again?"

Dave hesitated, chewing on his bottom lip. "Yes."

John shifted closer until he was straddling Dave's lap, moving his hands up from his neck to comb through his hair. Dave hesitantly rested his hands on John's waist, tilting his head up slightly so he could look right at him. John held his gaze for what seemed like an eternity before leaning forward to kiss him, keeping his eyes open. Dave's feather-light hold on John's waist tightened slightly and his eyes fluttered shut. The panic he felt from before was still there, it just wasn't as loud as it had been.

As awkward as it felt, John kept his eyes open, almost expecting Dave to back off suddenly. John had had a sort-of-there-but-not-really kind of crush on Dave for the longest time. He'd never actually been able to understand it until now. Dave was a lot shorter than him, true, and he was really pale compared to John, and his eyes were kind of scary sometimes (they're red), but none of that actually mattered. He liked Dave because he was really nice and funny, and even if he acted immature sometimes, he liked that too. Dave could make John smile even if he didn't want to. He had horrible taste in movies, but John thought the music he made was awesome. He loved his irony. He loved that Dave thought he was actually cool by any means. He loved—

Wait.

John felt his stomach do a happy back flip when he heard an almost inaudible hum from Dave. He moved his hands down from Dave's hair to his shoulders, pushing him back against the bed. John leaned back from the kiss to press his lips against Dave's throat, nipping over places he hoped were sensitive. Dave's fingers dug into John's hips as he pulled down, aiming to create friction between their bodies. He let out a quiet but high-pitched whine at the feel of John's fingers caressing his stomach, slowly—agonizingly—pushing up his shirt—

Wait.

"John." He gasped, trying to sit up. "No, John. Wait."

John sat back immediately. "I'm sorry. I didn't—"

"No, no, no... I—it's just me. I can't—I mean we—shouldn't—I—"

John threw his arms around Dave in a crushing hug, burying his face into his shoulder. "Shh, it's okay. You really don't have to explain yourself. I shouldn't have pushed you that far. I was rushing. I just really like you and I got excited at the thought of you liking me back. I'm sorry, Dave."

"I wanted to keep going." Dave whispered, shivering a little as he held tight to John. "I just have this—this issue, okay? And I can't tell you what's wrong right now. No one knows. It's not your fault, John, it's mine. It really is my fault."

"Well, I don't care who's fault it is." John leaned back from the hug, smiling. "Can I ask you a question?"

Dave grimaced. "I guess..."

"Will you go out with me?"

"Like... publicly?"

John rolled his eyes. "Duh."

Dave felt his face heat up. "I mean yeah, sure. That'd be cool. Totally."

He laughed. "So that's a yes."

"What do you think it was, Egderp? Of course it was a yes."


	2. Something About Jason Statham

"Hey, kid. Wake up."

Dave groaned and tried to roll over, but was met with resistance. He blinked his eyes open in confusion, pushing against the warm, fleshy wall curled up beside him. Dave pushed himself up into a sitting position, squinting through the darkness. Dirk stood at the foot of the bed with his hands in his pockets. When Dave looked at him, he gestured for his little brother to follow him.

Dave grimaced and gently untangled himself from John, stumbling out of his bed towards the living room. He leaned against the wall, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Dirk was in the kitchen, taking a couple slices of pizza from a box and setting them on a plate.

"You guys were asleep when I got home." Dirk said, putting the pizza in the microwave. "Hungry?"

"Uh, yeah." Dave mumbled, shuffling forward. "Did'ya get apple juice? I'm fuckin' thirsty."

"Yup. I put it in the fridge."

Dave sighed and trudged over to the fridge, yanking it open. He grabbed the carton of apple juice, opened it, and threw it back. When it didn't feel like the sides of his throat were stuck together anymore, Dave put the carton back into the fridge and took the plate of pizza Dirk offered to him. He jumped up onto the counter, but before he could take his first bite, Dirk cleared his throat.

"So, Dave, huh?"

"Crap." Dave's shoulders slumped. "I was actually sort of hoping you'd forget."

"Unlikely." Dirk shook his head, crossing his arms loosely over his chest. "Do you wanna talk to me about it?"

Dave shrugged, picking the cheese off of his pizza. Suddenly he wasn't very hungry anymore. "Not really."

"Well then I'll talk to you about it." There was a pause, like he was trying to find the right way to start. "I'm not an idiot. I noticed when you started... changing, I guess. But I didn't want to say anything in case you just weren't ready for me to know. I figured you would come to me about it. I remember one time I woke up really late, probably around three in the morning, to go to the bathroom. But you were in there. At first though I didn't realize it was you, because your voice was deeper. I almost ran back to my room for a katana before it hit me. You were training your voice. For what, I had no clue, but that's what you were doing. Now I know for sure, because you lowered your voice around John." Dirk paused again, crossing his ankles. "I talked to Jake tonight about what that meant for you, because even though I see it, I still didn't think I understood it, and I didn't want to jump into this conversation blind. He told me you were probably trans—" Dave stiffened but said nothing "—and that completely went over my head. Jake told me, 'Danielle just doesn't feel like herself in the body she has. If she's transgender, then that means a lot of change for both of you. And you need to be there for her. For him. Because she's not your little sister.'"

Dave tried to swallow around the lump that had formed in his throat. "I—I wanted tell you. I was terrified of how you might react to it. I had no idea what would happen. I mean there were so many stories online of kids getting rejected and hurt and made fun of and all of these horrible things and I didn't know what to do—"

"Jesus, okay." Dirk snatched the plate out of Dave's hands and pulled him off the counter into a hug. Dave choked on a sob and pressed his face against Dirk's chest, squeezing his eyes shut tight against the tears that threatened to spill over.

"I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you! I really did. I just didn't know how to bring it up. Every time I wanted to say something, I'd hear my birth name or there was someone here or it just didn't feel right or something I don't fucking know—"

"Alright, alright." Dirk held Dave back at arm's length. "Look, little dude, it's okay. Just stop apologizing, because it's not your fault. You didn't choose this." He waved his hands around, gesturing to Dave. "And even though I don't really understand why that is, I would never make you feel like shit for wanting to feel comfortable in your own body. That would be really shitty of me, because I've always told you to do whatever makes you happy. If this makes you happy, who am I to tell you that you can't be my little brother? Who's to say you were ever even my little sister?" Dirk laughed, ruffling Dave's hair. "I do wish you would have told me sooner though. At least a little sooner than this afternoon, right before your friend came over."

"I'm—"

"Speaking of your friend." Dirk interrupted, stepping away from Dave to lean against the counter again. "What was that cuddling about?"

Dave turned tomato red. "We—"

"Post-coital cuddles?" Dirk wagged his eyebrows suggestively. "Hm?"

"What the—no! _No_! Hell no." Dave shook his head, waving his hands, practically glowing now. "Absolutely not. We fell asleep during a movie. We didn't doing anything _like that_. Jesus—get your head out of the gutter, bro!"

Dirk barked out a laugh. "I don't know if I believe you now, you sound pretty guilty."

"Shut up!" Dave glared at his brother and then stomped off in the direction of his bedroom, trying his best to ignore his brothers obnoxious laughter.

When he walked into his room—accidentally slamming the door shut behind him—John was just sitting up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He yawned loudly, stretching his arms high above his head. He squinted at Dave, blinking a few times before a stupid grin spread across his face, making Dave feel both guilty and inexplicably happy.

"Hey, Dave." John mumbled. "W'time is it?"

"Almost seven." Dave said as he crossed over to sit at the foot of his bed. "Dirk brought pizza, so if you want to eat before you go, you can." He frowned, already disliking the idea of John having to leave. It was sort of pathetic. "Did your dad say anything about how late you could stay out?"

John shrugged. "He doesn't mind if I stay out late if it's not a school night. And it's Friday, so I can stay for a while longer if it's not too much trouble."

"No, it's okay!" Dave grinned. "I'm sure Dirk won't mind."

"Dirk also doesn't mind if your friend wants to stay the night." Dirk's voice said from the doorway. "As long as you get permission from your dad, of course."

"Really?" John glanced at Dave briefly before turning his attention to Dirk. "Sweet, okay. I'll go ahead and text my dad now. If he says yeah he'll probably bring clothes for me so he can meet everyone."

"That's fine." Dirk waved away the comment. "Let me know."

Dave sighed and fell forward onto John's lap when his brother was gone. "That was annoying."

"What do you mean?"

"He said you could stay because he's mocking me. He saw us sleeping together when he got home, and he's never going to let me live it down." Dave grumbled, rolling over so he was looking up at John. He had a goofy smile stuck on his face. "What?"

"Nothing." John shrugged, setting his phone down on the bed so he could play with Dave's hair. "I like this."

"Don't get all emotional on me, Egderp. It's totally unironic."

John snorted. "Whatever."

Dave smiled a little at his response and closed his eyes, relaxing into the feel of John's fingers combing through his hair. The last time anyone had played with his hair was when he was little, maybe six or seven years old, and he hadn't been able to sleep by himself. He would run out of his room in the middle of the night and into Dirk's room, curling up beside him. Dirk would talk about literally anything and just run his fingers through Dave's hair—though at the time he was still Danielle, and his hair had grown past his shoulders. Dave had outgrown that habit when he started middle school. That was about the time he'd started to realize he was different. Middle school was the worst time to figure something like that out, in his opinion.

_"Can I go to the restroom?"_

_"You can wait until I finish with the lesson, Danielle."_

_"It's an emergency!"_

_The math teacher pursed her lips in annoyance. "I doubt it. You do this everyday."_

_"But I'm_ serious _this time." Danielle pleaded, her eyes wide. "I'm really, really serious. I gotta go." She ignored the snickers of her classmates around her. "I'm seriously about to piss all over myself."_

_"Danielle!"_

_"Let me fucking go then!" She snapped, smacking her hand down on the desk. "If you don't say I can, I'm going to go anyway."_

_The teacher's face flushed red with anger. "Go then! You'll have an escort to the office when you get back."_

_Danielle got up from her seat and bowed. "How kind of you."_

_She bolted from the room then, streaking down the hall in the direction of the bathroom, ignoring the strange looks she got from all of the students and teachers she passed. She stumbled to a stop just outside of the bathroom, huffing, trying to catch her breath. She looked up, about the enter the bathroom when she realized what side she was on. She backed away from the boys' side, cheeks burning, and stumbled into the girls' bathroom._

_Danielle ran into the first stall open and yanked down her pants, just staring, her eyes wide with terror. The first thought that ran through her head was,_ "Oh my God, I'm dying."

_But then she realized that was stupid. She lived with a guy, and had lived with one her whole life. She hadn't exactly been taught about her body and what it would start to do in detail. Sure her brother had hinted here and there, but the conversations were awkward and Danielle was eager to shut him up as soon as he started. She didn't want to hear about all the ways her body would betray her. Because it really did feel like betrayal. This wasn't right. This was her._ She _wasn't_ her _. She knew that much. But what even could she call that feeling? Of just being wrong inside?_

_"Danielle?"_

_"What?" She cringed at how shrill her voice sounded._

_"Are you okay?"_

_She yanked a wad of toilet paper from the roll and started padding down her underwear. "Uh, yeah. I'm okay. No worries. I'll be done is a second."_

_"You've been in here for like, twenty minutes. Ms. April started ranting about how you were skipping class and sent me in here to get you." The girl's voice moved closer until Danielle could see her shoes under the door. "Are you sure you're okay? You don't sound okay."_

_Danielle hesitated. "I'm scared."_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I—I'm bleeding."_

_There was a short pause. "You started your period. That shouldn't scare you. I started mine a couple weeks ago. It's normal."_

_"I know." Danielle bit her lip. "Go get Ms. April."_

_"Are you sure? She's pretty pissed right now."_

_"Go!"_

_"Alright, Jesus... calm down."_

_When Danielle heard the slam of the bathroom door, she burst into tears._

"Dave?"

Dave blinked, trying to clear his blurry vision. "W—what?"

"You're crying."

"I'm fine. Don't worry about it." He sat up, wiping his eyes. "I'll be right back."

John watched Dave walk off towards the restroom with a troubled expression. He'd been acting odd ever since John had come over. It wasn't like John didn't know something was up, he wasn't that big of an idiot all the time. He could tell something was bothering Dave, and he'd all but gotten a confession of when it when they'd kissed. But Dave wasn't ready to tell him just yet. John wondered how serious of an issue this could be if it could make Dave cry without him realizing it.

"Hey John, your dad is here." Dirk said, poking his head into the room.

"Okay, I'm coming."

John slid off the bed and followed Dirk out into the living room where his father stood, holding his book bag. He smiled at his son and closed the remaining distance between them, handing John the bag.

"I packed everything you asked me to." His grin widened and he leaned forward, keeping his voice low. "And a surprise for your friend."

"Dad, _no_." John groaned, already knowing where this was going. "Dave doesn't even like cake."

It was a lie of course. John had no idea whether or not Dave liked cake, but he was going to say that anyways. Mr. Egbert straightened up with a frown.

"Well, more for you!" He said, completely undeterred. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Strider." John's father said, addressing Dirk now. "I've heard a lot about Dave."

"Probably as much as I've heard about John." Dirk said politely, taking Mr. Egbert's outstretched hand.

"I'm just gonna... go..." John took his bag from his dad and ran back in the direction of Dave's room, slamming the door shut behind him. He slumped against the door, feeling as though he'd just barely managed to dodge the biggest bullet in the existence of bullets. He heaved and sigh and tossed his bag to the ground, shuffling over to Dave's bed, falling face-first into the mattress.

"Nice ass." Dave said with a laugh as he walked into the room. "And I should know. Because of my bro, I'm surrounded by ass on a daily basis. I hate those stupid smuppets. Ever had one in the shower with you? Not cool at all. Completely ironic though, which basically makes it cool."

"You and your brother's obsession with irony makes no sense ever." John said as he rolled over, watching Dave as he strolled across the room to his closet, towel drying his hair. He was wearing a pair of loose fitting plaid pajama bottoms and a massive t-shirt that made him look twelve times smaller than he already was.

"What's with the shirt? Where did you even manage to find something that big?"

"Oh, this?" Dave asked, trying to keep the tremor out of his voice. "I had Rose make it for me for my birthday. I happened to mention I liked sleeping in shirts the size of Texas and she made it happen. Completely ironic. It was the perfect gift."

John pursed his lips and then laughed, shrugging. "That makes sense. Rose would do something like that for you. She always knits these really cool things for birthdays." He jumped up from the bed and picked up his bag, rummaging through the contents for his pajamas. "I'll be right back."

Dave plopped down onto his bed, crossing his legs. "I'll be right here."

John grinned and shook his head, closing the door behind him. Dave tried to keep his smile in place; he really did, but the anxiety that was creeping in was slowly but surely making it impossible to breathe. He realized he could have just told John no, he couldn't stay the night, in the most polite way he could. But honestly, Dave wanted him to stay. He wanted to curl up beside that loser and fall asleep watching one of his many lame movies. But he knew being so close to John without his binder on would make him feel self-conscious on a level that would ruin any moment he could even dream of having with John. There was no way.

Dave looked up when John walked back into the room. "You shower fast—"

"I didn't take a shower." John said as moved towards his bag to put away his day clothes, glancing up at Dave. His smile faltered when he saw Dave's expression. "What? Should I have showered? I didn't think I smelled bad. It's not like I play any sort of sport or anything."

Dave shook his head quickly, clearing his throat. "No, uh... you don't smell bad. You just... you're not wearing a shirt."

John looked down at his bare chest like he was surprised, but then he laughed. "Oh crap, I didn't even think. I always sleep without a shirt on at home, so I didn't bother putting one on when I was changing. Dad probably didn't even pack me an extra shirt because I didn't ask for one. Should I just put my old shirt back on? If it makes you uncomfortable or anything—"

"No it doesn't make me uncomfortable." He lied easily, smiling sheepishly. "I just didn't expect you to..." he trailed off, trying to think of the right way to put it. "I don't know. Never mind."

A slow smirk spread across John's face. "I think it does make you uncomfortable. Just a little bit." He sat down in front of Dave, sitting cross-legged just like him. John held out his hands expectantly, and after a short moment of hesitation, Dave took his hands and twined their fingers together. "But not in a bad way. Right?"

Dave chewed on his bottom lip. "Right."

John laughed, squeezing his hands. "Good."


	3. Is Jason Statham Even Still Relevant?

"Dave, just pick a movie. I'm going to fall asleep before it's over anyway. Just come here." John groaned, flinging his torso over the side of the bed. Dave grimaced and without looking at what he grabbed, put in a movie. He pushed himself off the ground and pulled at his shirt to keep it from settling over his chest as he walked over to his side of the bed. John sat up and laid back down, wriggling under the blankets until he was comfortable.

Dave raised an eyebrow. "Done?"

"Yeah." John laughed, patting the empty space beside him. "Come on."

Dave crawled into bed beside John, turning his back to him and curling in on himself, still pulling at his shirt. He grabbed his pillow and pulled it close to his chest, relaxing a little. He let his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

John waited patiently for Dave to get settled before scooting closer and resting his arm over Dave's waist. "Is this okay?" He whispered, moving his other arm under Dave's head. John could feel how tense Dave was and was considering backing off when he spoke.

"Yeah, it's okay." It was both a lie and the truth. He really liked being this close to John. The feel of John's body wrapped around his own somehow made him feel safer, but at the same time it set him on edge. At any moment it felt like John could somehow figure out that Dave was actually a girl. Dave had no idea how John would react to news like that. Hell, he hadn't even known the kid was gay.

_Well fuck... is he even gay?_ Dave bit his lip in worry. Maybe there was some sort of weird chemical in Dave that made John attracted to him because he was biologically female. But if John wasn't gay, then how was he so easy-going about the whole thing? He really was an idiot. But so was Dave. Well, he felt like he was an idiot. None of this made sense, and that's what scared him.

"G'night, Dave." John yawned, shmooshing his cheek against the back of Dave's head as he pulled him closer.

Dave held his pillow tighter. "Goodnight, John."

He laid there for a while, listening to the movie in the background and to John's even breathing. A few times Dave's eyelids drooped, but every time he jolted awake again, still terrified of falling asleep. Around the time he heard the movie credits start rolling, John's breathing changed and became slower and deeper as he took on a light snore. Dave sighed as his death grip on his pillow loosed into a non-lethal choke hold. He rolled slowly onto his stomach, placing his pillow over John's arm. John grumbled unintelligibly, his arm tightening around Dave's waist briefly before going slack again. Dave smiled a little and closed his eyes.

"'Night, Egderp."

John snored in response. Dave chuckled quietly to himself before finally drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Dave woke up with a start, leaping upright into a sitting position, gasping and clutching his blanket over his chest. He blinked a few times and looked around his room, squinting through the dark. He took a deep breath and let his hands fall into his lap, shaking his head. _It was just a dream. Get a hold of yourself, dude._ Dave looked over to the right when he felt movement, startled at first, but when he saw John he smiled and tried to get his stupid heart to stop racing. Damn thing had no idea what was going on.

John groaned loudly as he sat up and stretched, flinging his arms forward and arching his back, then out to his sides, accidentally brushing against Dave's chest. He froze mid-yawn and dropped his arms turning to look at Dave. "Am I dreaming... or do you have boobs? 'Cause I totally felt boobs."

"N—no you didn't it's j—just my shirt. It bunches up weird sometimes and—"

"I'm pretty sure I felt boobs." John snapped, throwing the blankets back. "Not your shirt."

"John—"

"Don't lie to me! You're totally hiding something. You even told me yourself that you had some sort of issue. Is that why you tense up and get weird when I try and touch you?" John reached over to take Dave's hand, but Dave flinched, moving his hand out of John's reach. "I mean, it's not normal at all but you don't have to be so weird about it."

"I'm a girl!" Dave snapped angrily, glaring at his hands. "I wanted to tell you when we kissed. Hell, I wanted to tell you before we kissed. You're my best friend. I knew I shouldn't keep something like that from you. But I panicked."

"You're... a girl?" John grimaced, trying to wrap his head around that. "You lied to me."

"No, I didn't lie!" Dave looked over at John in horror. "I'm not lying to you. I'm trying to tell you the truth! I do like you, John. I really do—"

"You can't just not tell someone something like this, Dave!" John shouted, getting out of bed. "I was totally thinking I was gay. Do you know how terrifying that is for someone who originally thought they were straight? And here I am, totally attracted to you, and wondering why the hell I'm suddenly gay for my best friend. That doesn't even make any sense! So yeah, I think you were lying to me."

"John, please—"

"No, stop trying to make excuses." John glared at Dave and shook his head, walking over to snatch his bag off the ground. "I'm going to call my dad to come and get me. I need some time to think about this."

"John, wait—"

"No!" John whirled around, really angry this time. "You're a liar, Dave! And I bet that's not even your real name. Legally, at least. What is it? 'Cause I mean, I've been calling you Dave for what... five years now? That's a long time. I'm curious why you didn't tell me sooner. Do you even trust me?"

"Of course, but—"

"But what? I don't understand? I might have, if you would have told me before all of this. When I was still your best friend. Before I started to think I wanted to be more than just friends. Before I thought I'd have to come out as gay."

"This is hard for me!" Dave shouted. "Even before I knew you, I had this feeling of being wrong. Like I wasn't even myself. I was terrified everyday of my life. Just waking up and realizing I had to go to school as a girl was enough to send me into a panic attack! When I moved here, I realized I had a chance to start over. To be someone I was comfortable being. And I didn't have to tell anyone. And then you just made it complicated. We were just friends, and everything was going great, but then I realized I fucking loved you and we kissed and—"

"Did you just say you loved me?"

Dave froze. "Uh... yeah." He blinked, swallowing hard. "I—I did."

John shook his head. "Lucky me, I guess."

Dave watched him leave, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. His heart felt like it had shattered into a million pieces. One of the two people he had been so scared in confessing to had rejected him. _Lucky me, I guess_. Those words swirled around the place where his heart used to be, stomping on all of the broken pieces, somehow making it hurt worse. John didn't want him. John thought he was a liar. John hated him. Dave closed his eyes against the tears, but the traitorous droplets fell anyway.

* * *

At first he thought he was laying in a puddle of drool, and the following thought was _oh my God, that's so gross_ , and the following thought after that was, _I hope I'm not drooling on John._ And that was the thought that made him open his eyes and realize he wasn't drooling.

He was crying.

Dave sat up slowly, stiff from the twisted position he'd been sleeping in, and reached up to wipe his eyes. Yeah, he was definitely crying. He closed his eyes, trying to remember his dream. He could remember the look on John's face when he'd told him. He remembered telling John he loved him. He remembered being called a liar. _Lucky me, I guess._ Those words felt like a thousand needles being simultaneously shoved into his heart and lungs. It hurt to breathe.

Was he lying? Dave didn't feel like he was lying. Purposefully keeping this kind of thing from John wasn't exactly his choice. Well, it was, but not a choice he made because he didn't want to tell him. Dave _couldn't_ tell John. Just thinking about telling him was enough to send him into a panic attack. His throat felt like sandpaper. Dave threw the blanket off of him and stumbled out of bed, all but running towards the kitchen.

He turned on the tap and just stuck his head under the current, turning his face up so the water could run into his mouth and over his face. He pulled back gasping, wiping the water away and squeezing it out of his hair as best as he could without a towel. Dave grimaced, leaning against the counter. _Get a grip, Strider. Real John isn't like Dream John._

"Lucky me, I guess." Dave whispered, pressing the heels of hands to his eyes like he could actually stop the tears that way. He needed fresh air. Dave shook his head and grabbed his house key, not bothering to put on shoes as he ran outside, ignoring the elevator and taking the stairs two at a time. He pushed open the door that led onto the roof and took a moment to take a deep breath, shivering against the chill. Dave walked over to the edge of the building and sat down, letting his feet dangle.

The logical side of him told him that he was being stupid. John would never say the kind of hurtful things he said in Dave's dream. Even if he didn't accept Dave, that level of cruelty just wasn't possible for John. Dave _knew_ that. But the irrational side of him told him that it didn't matter if John couldn't be outwardly cruel. He could still think mean things. He could still think Dave was some sort of freak of nature.

Dave could handle just about anything, but he knew that if John rejected him, any confidence he had in himself would break. He didn't know why this was so important to him. In his dream, he'd said he loved John, but he didn't actually know if he did or not. Sure, he thought John was nice—sometimes too nice—and he was funny. John could always make Dave smile no matter what. And even though he could be the biggest idiot on the planet, John was also smart. He lacked a healthy dose of common sense, but he really was one of the smartest people Dave knew. John was also good looking. He was taller than Dave by at least a foot, and Dave stood no taller than five feet. John had dark skin like he was always out in the sun, and wavy black hair. And somehow his dorky glasses and slightly-longer-than-they-should-be-teeth made him even more adorable. But all of that wasn't enough for love, was it?

Dave figured love was much harder than that. He couldn't describe it because he didn't know what it was supposed to feel like. But he was sure that being afraid of losing that person you might be in love with was part of the whole love thing. Because he was terrified of losing John, almost as much as he was terrified of losing Dirk. And Dirk was his brother! He was his own flesh and blood. That had to count for something.

"I love John." Dave whispered to the sky, leaning back on his hands. The city made it hard to see the stars, but the moon seemed to make up for it tonight. It was shining a lot brighter than it usually did. "I finally find someone and it's this idiot. And I can't even tell him the fucking truth. I'm pathetic."

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands. He sat like that for a while. Long enough for his back and neck to feel stiff. Also long enough for John to conveniently wake up and find him sitting on the roof. What was this, some sort of romance novel? This sort of thing only happened in the books.

Dave looked over at John, who was sitting beside him now, his dark hair sticking out in literally every direction. He smiled sleepily. "It feels nice outside. I was getting hot without my ice cube beside me."

Dave rolled his eyes. "I have a fan. And you could have just opened a window."

"You're ruining the moment." John teased, sticking out his tongue. A moment of silence passed between them. "So... why are you outside so late? I also want to know why you're all wet."

"I couldn't sleep." Dave lied, looking down at his shirt. "And I was a little thirsty, so I basically stuck my head in the sink. Sue me."

"Dave." John sighed, shaking his head. "I know you're lying. About the sleep thing anyway. I woke up at some point to use the bathroom and you were totally out. After I left and came back, I even had to move you a little bit because you'd shifted in your sleep and taken up my side of the bed. You didn't even notice. You were _out_."

"John—"

"I won't make you talk about it." John smiled and then turned his face up to look at the sky. "Sometimes we just have things we can't talk about right now. I get it. I was there once. So whatever it is, don't feel pressured to talk to me about it. We'll get there eventually. And I promise that whatever it is, I won't judge you. I won't get mad or upset. Or anything really. I'll help you if I can. And if I can't, well then I'll just be there for you. 'Cause you're my best friend." John looked at Dave again. He was still smiling, but it seemed different now. Softer somehow. It made Dave's heart do little back-flips. "And my boyfriend."

Dave's heart went from somersaulting to outright soaring at hearing that label. _I love him. I fucking love him._ He watched John push himself away from the edge of the roof and stand, debating on whether or not he should follow him back to bed or if he should just blurt everything out. It would make things so much simpler if he just told John here and now. He wouldn't have to suffer through the anxiety anymore. It would be do or die in this moment.

John leaned down and kissed Dave's cheek. "I'm going to go back to bed. Feel free to join me when you're ready, okay?"

"Okay." Dave watched John turn, his heart still racing. _Now or never, Strider. Pretend that if you don't tell him now, you'll never get to._ "John?"

He turned around. "Yeah?"

"I wanna tell you." Dave said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "Like now."

John's complacent expression didn't change as he turned to sit beside Dave again. "Alright. I'm all ears." He mimed zipping his lips and throwing out the key. This made Dave laugh despite his anxiety. He reached out for John's hand, twining their fingers together. He rubbed circles into the back of John's hand and tried not to think. He only took deep, calming breaths. It would be okay. John promised to understand. This was real, it wasn't a dream, and John wasn't the John from his dreams.

"Okay then." Dave said on his exhale, sitting a little straighter. "I'm going to tell you."

John remained silent, waiting patiently.

"I'm going to." Dave continued, looking out at the cityscape. "I'm not going to panic."

"Dave." John murmured, squeezing his hand reassuringly.

Dave nodded. "Okay, okay. I'm good. I'm fine." He closed his eyes. He could tell John like this. If he just focused on how dark it was behind his eyelids instead of how fast his heart was beating and how painful that was. "I'm actually a girl. Or I was. I was born a girl. I started calling myself Dave about five years ago, maybe a few months before I met you, actually. But I always knew. I just felt so... wrong inside. And becoming Dave made me feel like a real person. Like I wasn't just putting on an act anymore. I was pretending to be her. She was just like a mask or something. I know I'm rambling, but I had a nightmare about this. About telling you. And I think I'm still talking so you don't get a chance to." Dave paused, keeping his eyes shut. There was only silence. Well, as silent as it could be in the city. "I don't want you to hate me because of this. I wanted to tell you. At first I told myself I wouldn't tell you because I wasn't ready. And the years passed. And now we're here and I didn't have that excuse anymore. I was ready to tell you, I just wasn't ready for what your reaction could be." _Because I love you._ He didn't say that though. It would be too much.

"Dave, I'd still love you even if you were a troll."

His eyes flew open at John's words. "What?"

"Seriously. That sort of thing doesn't matter to me. I like you because of you. If I'd met you when you were a girl, I think I still would have fallen for you. I'm attracted to who you are as a person, not to what might be between your legs. I literally couldn't care less." John shook his head. "I like you, Dave. Probably against my better judgment, but I do. I think you're hilarious and way too nice even though it doesn't seem like it all the time. But you do care about everyone, almost to a fault. You'd die for any one of us, I'm sure of it. You're so talented. I can't even wrap my head around it sometimes. And I have to admit, you're easy on the eyes, too." He grinned, bumping his shoulder against Dave's. Then he was serious again. "You're distinctly you. And there really isn't a better way I can put that. And I love you for that one simple fact."

_There's that word again. He said it twice._ Dave was making a valiant effort to not cry, but it was in vain. He leaned over to rest his head on John's shoulder, wiping his eyes and nose with his free hand and hiccuping quietly.

"Thank you." He whispered, letting go of John's hand to hold him instead. "I wasn't expecting you to say any of that."

"What were you expecting?" John asked quietly, reaching around Dave, rubbing circles into his back. "I'll admit I don't understand what makes you feel the way you do, but I could never hate you for it. And yeah, I wish you would have told me sooner, but I can't fault you for that either. Fear does strange things to a person, so I understand why you couldn't tell me. I met you as Dave, so you'll always be Dave to me."

Dave sat up, wiping his eyes. "I feel like twenty pounds lighter."

"Why?"

"Relieving myself of a mental burden I've shouldered for as long as I can remember. And also I've done a lot of crying today. That's uncool. I've gotta do something to fix the balance of cool and pathetic in my life, and quick."

John laughed. "You're ridiculous."

Dave grinned and pushed himself away from the edge of the roof, grabbing John's arm. "C'mere."

John turned to face Dave and scooted closer, crossing his legs. Dave shifted and moved to sit on John's lap, resting his arms on his shoulders. John stared at him, shocked by how bold Dave was being. He knew that if he looked down, he would be able to clearly see the outline of Dave's chest, so of course he didn't look. If was being honest with himself, he'd noticed it earlier, but he hadn't said anything. If he hadn't noticed it then, then he would have figured it out when Dave had gotten into bed and had basically made a show of protecting his torso. John wasn't a complete idiot. If Dave had given him a few more days, he would have figured it out for himself. Thinking back, John now wondered if anyone else knew about Dave. But right now that didn't matter. What mattered was at that moment, he had Dave, his boyfriend, sitting on his lap— _and he looks very kissable_ , his mind added for him.

Dave combed his fingers through John's hair and smiled. "Thank you," he repeated "for everything you said. I really was scared. It was stupid, I know, but I couldn't help it. That's why they're called irrational fears, right?"

"Right." John grinned, moving his hands lightly from Dave's waist and down his thighs, then gently tracing back up to his waist and just under his shirt. John's fingers traced random patterns on Dave's lower back, moving around to his hips and then back down to repeat the process.

"Stop it." Dave laughed, wriggling. "That tickles!"

"Does it?" John raised an eyebrow. "I don't really think I want to stop. You're adorable when you laugh, and you haven't laughed nearly as much as you should have today. I'm just helping you out."

"Stop it!" Dave whined, laughing harder now that John's light touches had actually turned into real tickling. "Stop, it hurts!" He gasped, pushing against John's shoulders. "I can't breathe! Haha, oh my God, John—ow, ow." Dave doubled over, clutching his sides with his forehead against John's chest, breathing heavily. "Dick."

John chuckled, wrapping his arms tightly around Dave. "I can live with that."


End file.
